Crawling
by LovemelikesnapelovedlilyALWAYS
Summary: Olivia Benson has been through hell. It has been six months since she was kidnapped and tortured. She is in a relationship she doesn't want to be in with a man that she isn't in love with. She wants things back to normal. Can she just get back to the way she was? She has the support of her friends but all she really wants is the support of an old friend. please review...


Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable.

Tears fell from Olivia's eyes. She stared out the window, at the dark rainy city streets. This was her first time alone in her apartment since she was kidnapped from it six months before.

Her sobs were the only noise in her apartment. The silence made it easier for her to hear if there was anyone else there.

Brian offered for her to move in with him permanently and she declined. She just wanted to be alone after six whole months of living together Olivia knew that it wasn't going anywhere with Brian, that's why she decided to 'take a break'. They were just too different and headed in the opposite direction in life. Olivia had just made Sargent. She just wanted things to get back to normal, her as her bad ass self, and everyone around her treating her as such. She wanted to just focus on her work. One more rapist put in prison is one more person that doesn't have to go through what she went through.

_I have to get out of here,_ Olivia thought wiping her face. She stood up, grabbed her keys and coat, and walked out of the door.

XXX

She had been driving for a little over an hour before she decided exactly where she was going to go. She took the exit and was headed towards the Queens Bridge.

XXX

She pulled up across the street and parked, turning off the car. She just sat there and looked at the house. _His_ house. All the lights were off, except the living room light. She could see through the lace curtains. She saw him sitting in the chair reading a book. She never pictured him as the type to curl up with a book. But then again a lot has changed in the last 4 years. Maybe this was something that he just recently started.

_What if he was to turn around and see your car here? You didn't hide very well. _She thought to herself as she looked out the rain streaming window.

Olivia continued to watch a little blond boy run up to the man in the chair. _Wow he is getting so big. I can't believe he will be 6 in 2 days. _Olivia's eyes began to well up at the sight of the father and son playing together in the living room.

She glanced at her watch. _7:10, that's not too late. I could pretend I'm there for the birthday boy. No I can't do that it would be awkward. But it is going to be more awkward if he sees me just staring at him from my car._ She tried to convince herself, yet talk herself out of it at the same time.

_What would you say if you went up there? Hi I know I haven't seen you in 3 years but I just wanted to wish your son happy birthday? No, no, no, you have a better chance with him catching you sitting out here. _The little voice inside her head was right. She couldn't go up there.

She watched him play with his son for about 10 more minutes before she finally drove off.

XXX

She drove around the city for another hour and a half before finally deciding to go home. She walked to the stoop of her apartment and just stood there in the pouring rain.

_ What if someone is up there? What if, what if, what if there is someone waiting for her again like Lewis was? What if?_

Her inner voice was more convincing than she would have liked so she stopped before entering her building. She pulled out her cell phone and sent a text.

_**To: B:)**_

_**Hey b u still awake?**_

Almost instantly after hitting the send button her phone vibrated with a response.

_**From: B:)**_

_**Hey liv im up do u need me**_

She thought about what to say. She didn't want him there but she didn't want to be alone when going into her apartment either. Finally she knew what she was going to say.

_**To: B:)**_

_**Just wanted to check on u see how u were **_

_That's not what you wanted to say,_ her inner voice quipped. _If you're not going to ask him to come over maybe Fin or Nick will. _

Her phone vibrated again.

_**From: B:)**_

_**Im fine I wud b betr if u wud just come home**_

_**To: B:) **_

_**I am home b I told u this is wat I need right now**_

_**To: Amaro**_

_**R u busy**_

_**From: B:)**_

_**Wat abt wat I need**_

_**To: B:)**_

_**Wat is it that u need Brian bc ur happiness is waaayyy more important than my health I'm sry for trying to get better**_

_**From: Amaro**_

_**What's up?**_

_**To: Amaro**_

_**Could u come over? I need someone to talk to u**_

Olivia was drenched. She looked in the lobby of her apartment complex and noticed it was deserted. She went in and sat on the stairs so she was out of the rain. She looked at her phone. Still no messages.

_ I really shouldn't have been that mean._ She thought referring to Brian.

_**To: B:)**_

_**Look I'm sry that I said that its just that I'm going through a lot here and I think that its going to be better this way I just need to work this out on my own. I kno that u love me and I do love u too but please just support me in this. It is hard enough dealing with what has happened with out worrying about offending you. Please understand**_

She sent the three page message to Brian.

_**From: Amaro**_

_**Be there soon**_

_**To: Amaro**_

_**Thx**_

After 10 minutes there was still no reply from Brian and Nick still hadn't showed up. She was just sitting in the stairwell. Waiting for someone to make sure the _boogyman_ isn't in her apartment.

_Why didn't you just walk up to the door and knock?_ She thought about her nights previous events._ What is the worst that could happen? He could tell me to leave. That would be the worst that could happen,_ she silently argued with herself._ If he told me to leave that would hurt worse than him not talking to me. At least if he doesn't verbally tell me to leave then maybe he will someday come back to me. But if he tells me to leave then he means really doesn't want me in his life ever again._

Knock, knock, knock, knock….

Olivia snapped out of her trance and noticed Nick knocking frantically on the door to her building.

She jumped up and let him in.

"Wow it's wet out there." He said rushing through the threshold.

"Yea I was standing out there for a minute. Thank you for coming Nick."

"No problem, why are you sitting down here?"

Olivia thought before answering. _You can't tell him that you are scared. If you want to be bad ass Benson then you have to sound like bad ass Benson. _"I was waiting for you."

Nick dismissed it as nothing unusual.

They walked up the four flights and down the hall to Olivia's apartment. They stopped in front of her door.

"Why is it locked?"

"I text you while I was out I had just got here a couple minutes before you?" she said unlocking the door and walking in.

He followed. They both hung their coats on the rack and made their way into the living room.

Olivia sat in the chair and he sat on the couch and turned slightly to face her.

"So what did you need to talk about?" Nick said avoiding small talk.

Olivia took a deep breath and before she could stop them, tears welled up in her eyes. _Don't you fall!_ She silently screamed at them.

"Liv?"

"Do you want the truth?" she said chocked up.

"Are you ok?"

The tears won, they began to fall from her eyes. "Nick the real reason I wanted you to come here and I know this sounds ridiculous but I was scared someone might be here. This is the first night I have been in my apartment alone. I was fine when I first got here because Brian dropped me off and checked before he left. But then I went out for a few hours and I wasn't sure if maybe someone had gotten in while I was gone. That is why I text you." By the time she got that entire thing out she was sobbing.

Nick stood up, he walked the three steps separating him and Olivia, and then he knelt down and wrapped her in a warm embrace. "It's ok."

She cried into his shoulder. "No, it's not. What is wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you Liv. What you went through was just horrible. But you made it through. You know why? Because, you are strong. You are a fighter. You don't let anything defeat you, Olivia."

She looked at him, "then why am I so defeated now? Why can't I come in here by myself?"

"You were tortured here. I'm surprised you were able to come back at all. After what that sick son of a bitch did to you here. Olivia, you are the bravest person I know."

"I don't feel like it." Olivia sobbed.

"But Olivia, look at everything you have accomplished. You made it out of there and you are still alive. You beat him. You didn't let him win."

"Nick, do you even know half of what happened to me? Do you know what he put me through?" defending her state of mind.

Nick's face went white. He knew some of it but not everything. He was afraid to know it all. His eyes were soft. He looked at Olivia directly in the eyes, "Liv I know that you went through hell. And I know that you relive it every minute of every day. But even though you went through all that you still wake up every day. You still have the will to do this job and that is a whole feat of its own. Olivia you have been an SVU detective for 15 years you have just made Sargent, you survived a vicious attack you have a lot to be celebrate."

"Two attacks." Olivia whispered.

Nick looked confused, "you have been attacked twice?"

"You know the drill, woman what have been sexually assaulted once have a greater chance of being sexually assaulted again." Olivia said her voice cracking.

Nick was speechless. All he could do was wrap her in another hug. It took all he had to keep his composure.

XXX

Nick talked with Olivia until she started to get sleepy then he made sure she was comfortable alone before he actually left.

After locking the door tight, Olivia changed into her night clothes, but kept her tennis shoes on. _It will help for a quicker escape,_ she thought to herself. She climbed in her bed and starred at the ceiling.

_What I wouldn't give to just hear his voice again. _Her mind drifted to the father and son playing in their living room. _He is getting so big. I wish I could see them both. I wish I could see any of them. At least if I see them I would know that I am not alone. They were the only thing I had for family. I loved him and he never knew it._

_ What if I would have died and he never knew that I loved him; that all these years all the men I dated were just for him to disapprove of so he would know that he was what I really wanted. He was my best friend. He was all I had in this world. And he just left. He left me with nothing. I loved him and he gave me nothing._

_ That's because he was married._ Her inner voice chimed in. _What did you want him to do leave his family for you? His life? For you? Are you serious? You loved him but you never told him what was he supposed to do read your mind? _

_ He should have been able to tell,_ she argued silently._ It was obvious. _

_It wasn't obvious to him. If it was, he would have told you that he wasn't going to leave his wife for you. _

_ I was stupid for thinking that he could love me anyway. How could anyone love me?_

Tears filled her eyes once more.

"Please, dear God, please let this pain go away." Olivia prayed to a God that she didn't even believe in. "Please make me forget him. Please let me move on. Please," she cried, "please just let me make it through."

After two hours of sobbing Olivia finally drifted off to sleep.

A/N: I know "Olivia: the stalker" is a little ooc but I thought with everything that happened to her she needed someone she could really trust and talk to and that is why she went there in the first place then she chickened out and left. A friend of mine read it and said it sounded like she was there every second Saturday like she was stalking him. I didn't intend for it to come out that way….. I hope that you enjoyed it and as always reviews keep it going… so please review.


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